The Beginning

 

To begin something can be the most difficult part of the task. Which, when I think about it logically, shouldn’t it be the easiest? I believe it’s the fear of something new and unknown that invites my procrastination. The fear of failure and the fear of inadequacy. Will I be any good, what right do I have to do this thing, am I too old? These are the questions that scroll through my mind when I consider trying something new or something that piques my interest.

The structure of our society dictates we decide what we want to do with our lives when we are in high school or younger. This is the respectable age to decide what our life passions will be, what subjects or skills we wish to dedicate to. As if those passions will never change or evolve, and that we are married to whatever we pick.

I grasp the reasoning of starting skills at a young age. It is when we are most malleable and it’s easiest for us to learn. In regards to physical skills, it’s best to train from a young age to ensure we are peaking in that activity at the age of competition or performance. 

Then you have the medical field. Most of these professions take over a decade AFTER high school to attain adequate experience and qualifications before a career can even begin. If this is what you want to do with your life, it probably is best to know as soon as possible so you can get to actually doing the job.

But, outside of some exceptions, why do we hesitate to begin again later in life? Why is there a taboo about deciding one wants a different career path or simply wants to explore new avenues? Why do we mock the 30 year old who finally let go of their stage fright and wants to sing at open mics. Or ourselves, why do I mock myself for fantasizing myself as a writer; especially when my thoughts and perspective are expressed most freely through written word. Especially since I've written in a journal almost every day of my life since I was 12.

Why is it I feel silly for believing this is something I could be good at, or that simply doing it and trying would bring joy to my life?

To be fair, I know nothing about the publication process and grammar’s never been my strong suit. But, I have thought many times about writing a book. I thought about it a lot as a teenager, at the appropriate age to dream. But at the time I was also in love with dance and that took priority.

Up until last month I had been writing for a Personal Trainer blog since 2017. It was educational and advice based topics written by trainers for trainers. I loved doing it, and felt a piece of fulfillment from it I had not experienced before. Sometimes, I felt constricted by the structure and topic requirements. At times I caught myself writing perspective pieces rather than informational or fact based blogs, and wishing that I had the freedom to write about whatever I like.

Then I realized I do have that freedom. I literally can write on my own time about whatever I like. That idea took hold about a year ago, this idea that I could start my own blog. Or at the very least just start writing. Not in my journal, but really sitting down at my computer and writing.

But I didn’t and the usual self-doubt yelled at me saying “You could never create a successful blog, and if it isn’t successful why do it?”

Jesus, what a thought. What a ridiculous thought. I could not imagine telling anyone that if something they loved doing didn’t bring in monetary value or success they shouldn’t do it. So why in the world am I placing that on myself?

For all the usual reasons of course. Lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy, yadda yadda. I’m not meaning to diminish these feelings, they are valid, but also useless. What will believing "If I’m not incredible at everything I do-why should I do it?" bring to the table. That is me telling myself I’m not allowed joy and exploration if I can’t make money off of it.

Dumb, that is so dumb. I mean that, it is DUMB. I can’t imagine myself on my death bed feeling grateful that I didn’t try all of the things I wanted to because I wouldn’t be “good” at it, whatever that means. Seriously, take a moment to imagine yourself on your death bed thinking “Good job self, you saved yourself a lot of learning and joy and experience by not trying new things. Thank goodness too, because you could have looked silly trying and not being good.”

And here is why I want to write and put my words out there. I am not special. My experiences are not unique. I would bet my life there is at LEAST one other person in this world who's had almost identical life experiences as me. Obviously the details would be different, but the general life structures, relationship dynamics, failures and emotions would be quite similar.

I believe that others will resonate with what I have to say, that others will have felt and gone through many of the same experiences I have. We often don’t allow ourselves to step out of our comfort zone and try all the things we find intriguing and scary. If I am feeling this way, there has to be others who do too as well. If I could reach one person, inspire one person to have the courage to push past their fear and insecurity and go for IT, whatever it might be, that would be enough. That would be “doing it”. 

So if you feel a connection to this I invite you to join me on whatever this may turn into. I have no expectations myself, so I'm warning you shouldn't either. Topics will range from introspective thoughts to silly observations to yoga and fitness. It will be whatever is on my mind I feel the need to expound on. 

Here's to trying, to getting over self deprecation, and possibly figuring something out on the way.